Reflections at 30 (24/10/2012)

The road to 30 has been quite a journey. A long road full of mistakes and lessons that I never knew the meaning for each. Looking back, there's nothing I regret. I've learned from it all. I see things a bit clearer today. The road ahead doesn't look that bad at all. It actually looks amazingly awesome. For the first time in my life I actually know where I'm going and what it is I want to accomplish.

The last few days of my 20's were spent in NYC; and now, in CT where I'm celebrating my dirty 30 with my uncle at Yale. A new place to bring in the new year of my life. Birthdays really are the beginning of a new year, a fresh start. Not January 1st...unless that is your birthday. 

So far I've reconnected with old friends, began friendships with old acquaintances, and have been meeting and keeping correspondences with new people. I'm looking at life in a whole new light. The picture is much brighter these days. I'm loving every minute.

My 20's weren't as bad as I thought. There are things I know to never do again and things I've definitely learned from and enjoyed doing. Here are some things I've come to realize:

-Never qet married... at least until knowing the person for 5 years or more, maybe.
-Never jump into situations without really taking into consideration all aspects of the consequences.
-Experience life; don't hold back.
-Make friends; keep the good ones close at hand and always in your heart.
-Meet new people wherever you go.
-Stop being so shy; it won't get you anywhere.
-Laugh each day. It's food for the soul.
-Live somewhere different, especially if you've lived in one place your entire life.
-Your parents aren't always right but they usually have some pretty damn good advice.
-Don't hold grudges; they only hurt you in the long run.
-Smile each day; things aren't as bad as they seem.
-Really pay attention to those who are around you. Don't get distracted by the electronic items at hand. You never know if you'll see that person tomorrow.
-Travel if and when you can. There's a whole other word outside of where you live.
-Life really is short.
-Don't worry about what people think of you. That's their business not yours.
-Try, almost, all new things at least once.
-Be adventurous.
-Learn to love someone; be in love.
-Take on challenges with a "can do" attitude.
-Set goals and learn to achieve them.

I'm sure there's more to add to the list. But that is what comes to mind. Even though I'm going through my 2nd divorce at the moment, I can honestly say I'm genuinely happy with where I am in my life right now. That is definitely a first for me. I'm excited about what's to come. I have a goal set for the next year and I know I'm going to accomplish it.

It's amazing how wonderful life is. We get so wrapped up in everyday things that we forget to really stop and take in all that's around us. That's how life easily passes us by.

I made a vow today, my 30th birthday, that I'm really going to appreciate each day for what it's worth. I'm going to continue to make myself happy, because only I can make myself truly happy. I'm going to look at each day as a new opportunity. There's a reason we're still on this earth. We might as well take advantage of each day we have ahead of us. The journey is most definitely the reward.

Mind Blown

Why is it that people who cheat on you love to tell you how much they still care about you? Really? Because if you really cared, then you wouldn't have cheated. And why do they continue to deny they cheated even when you know the truth? Then again, do cheaters ever really admit it? Here's something I wrote about my ex-wife:


Mind Blown

When you were fucking him the first time
Did thoughts of me, your wife, ever cross your mind?
How about the times you went back for 2nds, thirds, and fourths?
And probably more.
Hell, I don't even want to know.
My mind's blown.
How could you let a good thing go?

Cheating comes so easily to you
It must be in your genes
Like mother like daughter
At least it seems
You were trying so hard not to be like her
But at the end of the day
You and her are one in the same

At first my heart broke
My earth was shattered
You wanting it to end without us even trying
It's like what we had to you didn't matter
But now I'm glad that it's over
We're officially through
He'll be left to deal with all your bullshit
And when he finds out the real you
He'll play you like you played me
You'll come crawling back to me on bended knees
Saying, baby please!

You used to say what starts in chaos ends in chaos
You were never one to take your own advice
Quick to give but never easy to take
When I look back and think of our beginning
And now the end
I just can't understand
You were the first to say it:
I love you.
I'm in love with you.
Erica, I want to marry you.
But marriage doesn't mean a damn thing to you
Because like a mirror to our beginning
You were the first to want it all to end
You look at me now
like I'm nothing more to you than
A stranger
Not even a friend

I gave you my heart, my soul, my all.
Anything I could give it was yours
I should have realized I was on a one way street
I was giving you everything
And what about me?
You never treated me as good as I did you
There were signs all around me:
Your always getting drunk when we'd go out
And my struggling to get you home.
You always turned arguments around
Making me out to be the one in the wrong.
Not too mention you always put your friends before me.
I was the one always doing for you.
You cried about past loves
And the rough life you lived.
I was only trying to protect you,
Showing you what true love is.
But it's all over now.
Even though my heart is chopped up and screwed
Some day someone amazing will come along
To help me with the pain.
I'll be a better person.
And you'll still be the same.

I'll place you somewhere
Deep in the back of my mind.
And I know that from time to time
The portrait of your face
Will block my vision.
No matter how hard I'll try to fight it
There will be nothing I can do.
Because just like ol' Lady Day sang:
I'll be looking at the moon
But I'll be seeing you.

I just hope not for long
Because it's time for me to move on.
My heart can't bare this pain forever.

Heartbreaks and Bellyaches

Here's an in-the-works poem about a recent heartbreak:


The way you look at me
I can see the love is gone
No warmth in your smile
You've already moved on

No matter how hard I try
Or anything I do
You look at me like
I'm a stranger
A damn fool

Check out my Tumblr website for my Daily Top 5: http://efeliciano.tumblr.com/

Erica's Top 5... Songs To Make Out To

1. Foxey Lady by Jimi Hendrix

2. We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off by Jermaine Stewart

3. Sleepyhead by Passion Pit

4. Dream by Alice Smith

5. If by Janet Jackson

These are my top 5 songs to make out to. What are your top 5?

http://efeliciano.tumblr.com/

My Top 5....

So, I've decided to begin a TOP 5 blog. It will mainly be a Top 5 in music categories and genres. Each day I'll post a new list of my Top 5 picks for the day. Eventually, I'll expand my list beyond music. But for now, let the music play!

Also, I'll post the list on my Tumblr blog, which you can also follow me on there:

http://efeliciano.tumblr.com/

Is A College Degree Really Worth It???

I ask myself this question over and over again each time the collection agencies call my phone, requesting full payment of my student loans, which I was never able to pay because I never got a job that payed me enough money for my rent, to buy food, and also to send Sallie Mae that $100+ monthly student loan payment. Sallie Mae is the biggest tease of all student loan companies. They are so nice in helping you to get a loan so you can go to school and pay thousands of dollars for a college degree you'll probably never use because it's all about who you know these days, not what you know. They very well know that once you graduate school, there is no way in hell you'll be able to find a job, within 6 months of graduating, that will allow you to pay for your necessities along with your student loans and be able to live comfortably. When you do ask for their help regarding payments, in any sort of way, they have no desire to work with you. It's all or nothing, which seems to be their motto. It's nothing but a big headache, which stresses me out every day. I'm more than likely to die young from the stress induced by Sallie Mae, and other student loan lenders, than to pay back my student loans in full, plus interest.

So, back to the question, "Is a college degree really worth it?" In my case, no way. I received my BA in English: Creative Writing. I felt that my degree was a waste of time. I know, for a fact, that I've learned more about English and creative writing through the many articles and books I've read on the subject than my tenure at the University of Central Florida. Their program pretty much sucked. I had one teacher there, Peter Telep, in which I can say that I actually learned something from. He's an all around great, hard working teacher, who made creative writing fun and interesting, and I continue to aspire to be like him, in the sense of becoming a successful creative writer. Other than for him, I can honestly say my degree was a waste of time.

If you desire to go to school for something regarding math, science, or a subject in which a degree is key, then, YES, I do believe that a college is a must. But subjects pertaining to the arts and humanities don't necessarily require a college degree. I learned that the long, hard way. Colleges and universities are nothing more than a business. A business that wants nothing more than your money. So, each semester and/or school year they raise the tuition prices, not caring whether or not what you're learning is beneficial to you. As long as you're willing to pay, they're willing to take it from you.

Erica I. Feliciano

Potato Chips???

So, I'm writing a poem about potato chips. Not just any potato chips. No way. I'm talking about high quality potato chips. Not the kind that are already in crumbs by the time you get home, unload the grocery bags, and sit down to enjoy a bag of salty, crunchy potato chips. I'm talking about the kind of potato chips that come in flavors. The kind that have more crunch than grease. The kind that are perfectly salted so that the flavor bursts in your mouth the moment the potato chip touches your tongue. That's the kind of potato chip I'm writing a poem about. Now, if you don't know me well, then I don't want you to think I'm some kind of weird potato chip loving freak. I am a bit strange, at times. But my passion for the culinary world comes from my love of cooking, and the 6 months I spent at culinary school contributed to it as well.

Here's what I have so far:

I like my potato chips to be
crunchy, salty, and
with very little grease.
A great potato chip should be
flavorful, and in tact
once you open the bag.
A great potato chip
is strong enough to
marry with the thickest of dips.


Erica I. Feliciano

To My Chipotle Lovers...

Chipotle (Chi-pot-ul)

Oh my Chipotle
how I love thee.
Let me count the ways
I love you yesterday, today,
and for always.
Burrito or tacos,
you know how to satisfy me.
Tortilla or no tortilla?
No problem.
That burrito bowl is filled with
yummy goodness and
herb infused rice
which tantalizes my taste buds.
Medium salsa, mild or hot.
Don't forget to add the corn
and a dollop of sour cream.
Mmm, mmm, mmm!
And please don't forget the cheese.
Chipotle, my Chipotle,
you've satisfied my every craving,
and then some.
On nights when my stomach
was a rumbling,
and nothing else sounded
worth my while,
I'd drive my hungry self
to one of your thriving locations
and ordered myself a feast.
No too expensive and not too cheap.
You serve the best ingredients
for the best price.
And it is because of you,
my Chipotle,
that I am much more privileged
to have tasted your goodness.

To Be With You..

I dreamt of you today, yesterday, and
what seems to be always.
I know I can't have you,
my forbidden love, but
it is in my dreams
that I endure what I wish could be:
you and I together,
living each day
as though it were our last.
The feeling of knowing we can
laugh about the most random things,
crack jokes that only you and I
know the meaning, and
play around with each other
as though we were kids.
Sometimes, maybe even more than often,
I wonder if you feel the same as I do.
Seeing you walk into a room, flashing a smile,
can set my whole mood.
Do I do the same for you?
Maybe you don't even see me in the same light.
Maybe you don't even realize
that you and I can be
so right for each other.
No matter the deal, I know for a fact,
my feelings for you are real.
This is why it pains me
to see you everyday,
knowing I can't have you in any way.

Flawless

flawless.

that is what you are to me.

i could write a thousand lines

about your beauty and

that still wouldn't capture

your true essence of perfection.

there is something about

your mysterious eyes

that lead to a wounded path

deep into your loving soul.

a soul in which i hope to

one day get to know

like the back of my hand

or the pain in my heart

of yearning to be with you

and not being able to even

whisper words

of how wonderful i think you are

or how i wish i could hold you close,

even for a second.

because one second is better than nothing,

and not having you in my life

would be like not being able to breathe.

so for now i'll just continue to

love you...secretly...

and, from afar, admire your

imperfections and luminary smile,

your humor and your intelligence,

along with all the rest of who you are.

damn…

why do you have to make me weak in the knees

whenever you are around?

making it hard to just be myself.

why do you have to be so perfect?

it's as though g-d is teasing me

by bringing you into my life

because i can't even get a taste,

not even one little bite.

Top Friends Lists: How Important of a Friend Are You? (A Sarcastic Insight)

Myspace and Facebook have become a popular means of communication in today's age. And yet, these two websites have become a big reason for friendships and intimate relationships being put into jeopardy. Both websites have put peoples' lives out in the open, willingly. Yes, they are a means of keeping in touch with distant or rekindled friendships. But, they are also a source of finding out who really considers you a friend; and if they do consider you a friend, how special of a friend you are to them by being placed on their top friends list.

A top friends list can be the root of all evil or it can be like winning the lotto. If you've made it onto a friend's top 8, 12, or whatever the hell numbers they choose then congratulations are in order. You've just won the lotto of friendship. If you haven't made it onto a particular friend's top list, then sucks for you. I guess you're not really considered "special" to that person. Being lucky enough to have made the list makes you a special friend. "How special of a friend am I?" you might ask yourself. Well, just take a look at which number that friend has placed you at on the list. To those of you that didn't make the list this doesn't apply. If you are one of the winners then checking to see which number you've been placed at is of utter most importance. This is some serious shit in the cyber world of friendships.

Your number of placement on a top friends list is a sensitive subject and can be very hurtful when you feel that your friendship with someone is extraordinary enough for you to place that person at the top of your list only to find out that that "extraordinary friend" doesn't feel the same. For they have gone and placed you toward the bottom of their list. "I thought our friendship meant so much more," you might say to yourself as you heart sinks a little while you move that friend to the bottom of your list. Or, if bitter enough, you take them off of your list entirely. "Why don't you hang out with someone on your top four? Since it's obvious you consider them a better friend than me," you accidentally yell into the receiver of your phone while talking to your former friend. Just because you've been placed at the bottom of their list doesn't mean you have to get all postal. Nor does it mean that the friendship has to end. It just means that your friendship with that person isn't what you thought it was.

Then again, who's to say that placement on the list even really matters? Some place their friends in order of the length of time in which they've known that friend. And then there is the majority who place their friends in the order of importance. If you ask me, this whole top friends list is a load of crap. I don't need to know that my friend considers me one of their top 4 friends or not. As long as the friendship stays the same, there's no back-stabbing, lying, and they continue to laugh at my lame jokes then they are all right in my book. That's why I removed my top friends list from both Myspace and Facebook. For those who are my true friends, you know who you are. I don't need to place you in order of importance. And for those of you that wouldn't have made the list, if I had one, will never know.

This brings on some food for thought: Is it morally correct to classify your friends, numerically, on a list for the rest of the world to see? And if you make a top friends list, does the number your friend placed you at make you that much more or less special to your friend? Top friends lists remind me of being back in public school as a kid. To make the top friends list is like being the "in crowd" with the name brand clothing, and to not be on the list is like being a nobody at school wearing clothes from Wal-Mart.

For instance, a friend of mine, let's call her Madonna, had me on her list one notch ahead of a mutual friend we had, let's call her Tiffany. Tiffany was upset that I came before her on the list. Apparently she felt that her friendship with Madonna was more special than my friendship with Madonna. It got to the point where I told Madonna to take me off of her list completely because I'd rather not be on her list. I already knew that our friendship meant something to her regardless of where I was placed.

And that is why I feel a top friends list is a bunch of cockamamie. I mean, honestly, should our friendships be based on order of importance? Does it really matter whether or not I come before or after someone on a top friends list? Hell to the no. I'm just lucky enough to have the friends that I do have.

Cell Phone Dependent

While walking into a Target superstore yesterday evening something caught my attention. Sad to say it wasn’t the silver Porsche with the sexy young male driver, or the screaming two year old who walked a few feet behind her careless mother, almost getting hit by the hot guy in the Porsche. Instead, it was a decent looking 30-something Asian male. We reached the automatic doors almost simultaneously. Approaching, the male pulled out a cell phone from his pocket, speed dialing someone on his call list. His mother? Lover? Or possibly his significant other? Who the hell knows. What I do know is that this action of his made me think: Are we that dependent on our cell phones that we cannot go to a store, or out in public for that matter, without text messaging or making a phone call?

 

After passing through the doors I noticed something else. The man hung up his phone, never speaking to anyone, placing the cell phone back into his pocket. What came to mind next was: Damn, I do the same thing. I began to think of all the times I’ve gone to stores by myself. The realization was that I, too, am a victim to this cell phone dependency. Practically every time I go to a store, alone, I tend to reach for my phone. Whether or not I need to contact someone is not the point. The feeling of security or being at ease by having some form of a familiar human contact is what my cell phone brings me. Even if it’s just to dial my voicemail, never speaking to anyone, does it make me feel naturally at ease when out and about by myself. Now, for those who know me, know that I’m constantly messing with my phone even when I am around friends and family. The cell phone has become a sort of addiction for me, so to speak. This leads me to believe that I’m not the only one dependent on my cell phone.

 

Upon entering Target I was greeted with a wide array of shoppers jabbering away on their cell phone. I noticed that those who were on their cell phones were the ones that were shopping alone. Those who had company showed no signs of a cell phone at hand. I must admit, I, too, pulled out my handy cell phone at some point in time of my duration at Target. I began to think again: Are we really dependent on our cell phones, or dependent on the human contact / connection the cell phone brings?

 

Sure, we can go out shopping by ourselves or go out to eat or go to the movies alone and have human contact with other people around us, but it’s not the same as having the contact with familiar family and friends. Hell, even sitting here in the office with my cell phone on vibrate in my bedroom has me wanting to run into my room to see if I’ve missed any phone calls or text messages. This is probably why people have turned to online dating, because when out and about in public places they have their cell phone attached to their ear, prohibiting conversations with the people around them. This makes me wonder how many people I could’ve possibly gotten to know had it not been for my cell phone.

 

I’m thinking of a challenge now, for myself and for those reading this: Could you really go a day, from sun up to sun down, without your cell phone? This includes no wondering what cell phone calls you’re missing or who could possibly be text messaging you. I’m thinking about taking on this challenge, but not quite sure if I’m ready for it yet. How about you?