Reflections at 30 (24/10/2012)

The road to 30 has been quite a journey. A long road full of mistakes and lessons that I never knew the meaning for each. Looking back, there's nothing I regret. I've learned from it all. I see things a bit clearer today. The road ahead doesn't look that bad at all. It actually looks amazingly awesome. For the first time in my life I actually know where I'm going and what it is I want to accomplish.

The last few days of my 20's were spent in NYC; and now, in CT where I'm celebrating my dirty 30 with my uncle at Yale. A new place to bring in the new year of my life. Birthdays really are the beginning of a new year, a fresh start. Not January 1st...unless that is your birthday. 

So far I've reconnected with old friends, began friendships with old acquaintances, and have been meeting and keeping correspondences with new people. I'm looking at life in a whole new light. The picture is much brighter these days. I'm loving every minute.

My 20's weren't as bad as I thought. There are things I know to never do again and things I've definitely learned from and enjoyed doing. Here are some things I've come to realize:

-Never qet married... at least until knowing the person for 5 years or more, maybe.
-Never jump into situations without really taking into consideration all aspects of the consequences.
-Experience life; don't hold back.
-Make friends; keep the good ones close at hand and always in your heart.
-Meet new people wherever you go.
-Stop being so shy; it won't get you anywhere.
-Laugh each day. It's food for the soul.
-Live somewhere different, especially if you've lived in one place your entire life.
-Your parents aren't always right but they usually have some pretty damn good advice.
-Don't hold grudges; they only hurt you in the long run.
-Smile each day; things aren't as bad as they seem.
-Really pay attention to those who are around you. Don't get distracted by the electronic items at hand. You never know if you'll see that person tomorrow.
-Travel if and when you can. There's a whole other word outside of where you live.
-Life really is short.
-Don't worry about what people think of you. That's their business not yours.
-Try, almost, all new things at least once.
-Be adventurous.
-Learn to love someone; be in love.
-Take on challenges with a "can do" attitude.
-Set goals and learn to achieve them.

I'm sure there's more to add to the list. But that is what comes to mind. Even though I'm going through my 2nd divorce at the moment, I can honestly say I'm genuinely happy with where I am in my life right now. That is definitely a first for me. I'm excited about what's to come. I have a goal set for the next year and I know I'm going to accomplish it.

It's amazing how wonderful life is. We get so wrapped up in everyday things that we forget to really stop and take in all that's around us. That's how life easily passes us by.

I made a vow today, my 30th birthday, that I'm really going to appreciate each day for what it's worth. I'm going to continue to make myself happy, because only I can make myself truly happy. I'm going to look at each day as a new opportunity. There's a reason we're still on this earth. We might as well take advantage of each day we have ahead of us. The journey is most definitely the reward.

Mind Blown

Why is it that people who cheat on you love to tell you how much they still care about you? Really? Because if you really cared, then you wouldn't have cheated. And why do they continue to deny they cheated even when you know the truth? Then again, do cheaters ever really admit it? Here's something I wrote about my ex-wife:


Mind Blown

When you were fucking him the first time
Did thoughts of me, your wife, ever cross your mind?
How about the times you went back for 2nds, thirds, and fourths?
And probably more.
Hell, I don't even want to know.
My mind's blown.
How could you let a good thing go?

Cheating comes so easily to you
It must be in your genes
Like mother like daughter
At least it seems
You were trying so hard not to be like her
But at the end of the day
You and her are one in the same

At first my heart broke
My earth was shattered
You wanting it to end without us even trying
It's like what we had to you didn't matter
But now I'm glad that it's over
We're officially through
He'll be left to deal with all your bullshit
And when he finds out the real you
He'll play you like you played me
You'll come crawling back to me on bended knees
Saying, baby please!

You used to say what starts in chaos ends in chaos
You were never one to take your own advice
Quick to give but never easy to take
When I look back and think of our beginning
And now the end
I just can't understand
You were the first to say it:
I love you.
I'm in love with you.
Erica, I want to marry you.
But marriage doesn't mean a damn thing to you
Because like a mirror to our beginning
You were the first to want it all to end
You look at me now
like I'm nothing more to you than
A stranger
Not even a friend

I gave you my heart, my soul, my all.
Anything I could give it was yours
I should have realized I was on a one way street
I was giving you everything
And what about me?
You never treated me as good as I did you
There were signs all around me:
Your always getting drunk when we'd go out
And my struggling to get you home.
You always turned arguments around
Making me out to be the one in the wrong.
Not too mention you always put your friends before me.
I was the one always doing for you.
You cried about past loves
And the rough life you lived.
I was only trying to protect you,
Showing you what true love is.
But it's all over now.
Even though my heart is chopped up and screwed
Some day someone amazing will come along
To help me with the pain.
I'll be a better person.
And you'll still be the same.

I'll place you somewhere
Deep in the back of my mind.
And I know that from time to time
The portrait of your face
Will block my vision.
No matter how hard I'll try to fight it
There will be nothing I can do.
Because just like ol' Lady Day sang:
I'll be looking at the moon
But I'll be seeing you.

I just hope not for long
Because it's time for me to move on.
My heart can't bare this pain forever.

Heartbreaks and Bellyaches

Here's an in-the-works poem about a recent heartbreak:


The way you look at me
I can see the love is gone
No warmth in your smile
You've already moved on

No matter how hard I try
Or anything I do
You look at me like
I'm a stranger
A damn fool

Check out my Tumblr website for my Daily Top 5: http://efeliciano.tumblr.com/

Erica's Top 5... Songs To Make Out To

1. Foxey Lady by Jimi Hendrix

2. We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off by Jermaine Stewart

3. Sleepyhead by Passion Pit

4. Dream by Alice Smith

5. If by Janet Jackson

These are my top 5 songs to make out to. What are your top 5?

http://efeliciano.tumblr.com/

My Top 5....

So, I've decided to begin a TOP 5 blog. It will mainly be a Top 5 in music categories and genres. Each day I'll post a new list of my Top 5 picks for the day. Eventually, I'll expand my list beyond music. But for now, let the music play!

Also, I'll post the list on my Tumblr blog, which you can also follow me on there:

http://efeliciano.tumblr.com/

Is A College Degree Really Worth It???

I ask myself this question over and over again each time the collection agencies call my phone, requesting full payment of my student loans, which I was never able to pay because I never got a job that payed me enough money for my rent, to buy food, and also to send Sallie Mae that $100+ monthly student loan payment. Sallie Mae is the biggest tease of all student loan companies. They are so nice in helping you to get a loan so you can go to school and pay thousands of dollars for a college degree you'll probably never use because it's all about who you know these days, not what you know. They very well know that once you graduate school, there is no way in hell you'll be able to find a job, within 6 months of graduating, that will allow you to pay for your necessities along with your student loans and be able to live comfortably. When you do ask for their help regarding payments, in any sort of way, they have no desire to work with you. It's all or nothing, which seems to be their motto. It's nothing but a big headache, which stresses me out every day. I'm more than likely to die young from the stress induced by Sallie Mae, and other student loan lenders, than to pay back my student loans in full, plus interest.

So, back to the question, "Is a college degree really worth it?" In my case, no way. I received my BA in English: Creative Writing. I felt that my degree was a waste of time. I know, for a fact, that I've learned more about English and creative writing through the many articles and books I've read on the subject than my tenure at the University of Central Florida. Their program pretty much sucked. I had one teacher there, Peter Telep, in which I can say that I actually learned something from. He's an all around great, hard working teacher, who made creative writing fun and interesting, and I continue to aspire to be like him, in the sense of becoming a successful creative writer. Other than for him, I can honestly say my degree was a waste of time.

If you desire to go to school for something regarding math, science, or a subject in which a degree is key, then, YES, I do believe that a college is a must. But subjects pertaining to the arts and humanities don't necessarily require a college degree. I learned that the long, hard way. Colleges and universities are nothing more than a business. A business that wants nothing more than your money. So, each semester and/or school year they raise the tuition prices, not caring whether or not what you're learning is beneficial to you. As long as you're willing to pay, they're willing to take it from you.

Erica I. Feliciano